Uncertainty

Uncertain: indefinite, indeterminate, untrustworthy, dubious, doubtful

These are not words I want in my life. I don't want my diagnosis to be dubious; or the doctors word that Lasek surgery is safe, to be untrustworthy, or the length of a stay overseas to be indeterminate. I don't like uncertainty.

Life as an expat is uncertain. We came out here knowing that the contract was initially for three years; that the effort of getting to know a new country, a new culture, new people and their rules would be worth it. We knew that it would end. The uncertainty arises about when it will end, and whether we will want it to end. I thought that the uncertainty, the indeterminacy of not knowing what the future holds would be exciting; like reading a novel for the first time and being surprised by the direction the author takes. Life is only exciting when it is unpredictable, or is it? Unpredictable lifestyles are what we read about, what we watch in films but as I said in a previous post, life isn't like its portrayal in the media.

I am reading a novel called Eat, Pray, Love at the moment (it's just been made into a film). It's a true account of a journalist who throws off her predictable lifestyle to travel; first to Italy, then to India and finally to Indonesia. She floats freely amongst the people of these countries, learning their ways, and learning more about herself. But even in this freewheeling lifestyle, there is certainty. She plans the amount of time she spends in each country, knowing that she will move onto the next at a fixed time.

Uncertain: indefinite, indeterminate, untrustworthy, dubious, doubtful

For some people these words are synonymous with freedom, excitement, liberation, independence, and I can see their point, but for me these words also bring anxiety, worry, agitation and uneasiness. Does it then follow, that if planning for the future is uncertain, I should simply live for today? In today, I can either maintain a level of predictability I am comfortable with or inject spontaneity and unpredictaility at will. So, here begineth today...