Tuesday, 21 January 2014

On a school night?

Dear Member,

Thank you for becoming a member of the 'no wine in the week' society. This contract outlines your obligations as regards no alcohol on a school night, notwithstanding subsections 4 through 9: exemptions for bank holidays, or other religious holidays, noting that members do not have to be active participants of a religious society, doctrine or organisation in order to participate in religious exemptions. This amounts to approximately 143 days per year.

I would like to draw your attention to the following further exemptions which, notwithstanding current stocks of alcoholic beverages, allow for some indulgence on the below mentioned occasions:

1. Homework: in the instruction, assistance with or carrying out of homework with or on behalf of children, one may partake of alcohol;
2. Teenage angst: anyone with children between the ages of 13 and 43 may partake of alcohol on a school night (week night for those with children over 18) for reasons of having to deal with teenage angst. One should remember on all occasions that anything that is going wrong in your teenager's life, IS your fault;
3. Teenage Monstrousness: regardless of exemption number 2, exemptions are also incurred for teenagers with challenging behaviour. This includes mood swings, contrariness, shouting, slamming of doors, de-friending you on Facebook and so on. The amount of alcohol allowed can be increased exponentially with the number of times you say 'black' and the child responds with 'white' or, indeed, 'whatever'.
4. Medicinal Uses: Any alcohol required for medicinal purposes is also permitted. This clause can be invoked for pretty much any reason you like.
5. Husbands: It is recognised that pressures on wives are exerted by husbands being, well let's face it, completely useless, and women may take advantage of this exemption clause, rather than stabbing said husband with something sharp.
6. Morons: It is equally recognised that, for the most part, we are surrounded by morons and alcohol may be partaken of if members have had to deal with moronic behaviour at least twice in a single day.
7. Parents: Despite some members having moved 3000 miles away from parents (elderly or otherwise) it is acknowledged that family issues, gossip, problems, and general annoying behaviour can cross time and space, and this clause allows for that.
8. Finally, and without prejudice to any other exemption clause contained herein, members may engage in alcoholic beverages on a school night if they can think of a reason to, or indeed, even if they can't.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you once again for becoming a member of our society. Cheers!