One of the things my friends will testify to, is my considerable experience with alcohol. People often (but not as often as I would like) comment that I look young for my age, and my response is always 'preserved in alcohol, you see'. So, I feel it encumbent upon me to share my wisdom with those less fortunate than myself, and impart a few tips about what one should, and shouldn't do, whilst indulging.
Once you have begun on the merry path to oblivion, you must never:
1. Update your Facebook status. The horror of waking in the morning to find the expletives, emotional outpourings, or cringe-worthy comments one has shared with the world, is beyond bum clenching embarrassment, so don't go there.
2. Log on to Ebay. Those items that it was 'fun' to bid on last night, have to be paid for in the morning. The absolutely essential but nonetheless useless 'soft cotton Japanese black bondage rope' (I kid you not, I just looked it up - for research purposes you understand) will seem 'not so essential' in the morning.
3. Send pissed text messages. Yeah, we've all been there: 'you are my absolutely bestist friend and I love you so much, I'm so glad you are my friend'. Ok, so maybe that's just me then.
4. Answer work emails. Much as you would like to explain to your colleagues (especially those in other Countries) exactly how to 'shove' something where only doctors should normally go, jump off the nearest cliff or give them directions to Hell, you will regret such statements in the morning. Oh, and the 'withdraw' option on emails only works if the recipient hasn't actually opened the email and read it. Trust me, I know.
5.Order cards from online retailers for your relatives. Tempting as it is to order all of the birthday cards in advance from someone like Moonpig, one's sense of decorum can be a little skewed when indulging. The card showing a woman on a beach and mentions 'savouring the salty tang', is not suitable for your nan or your mum, however opened minded they may be.
6. Hand out your business cards. Under no circumstances should you identify yourself to anyone you come into contact with in a bar after your first few glasses. Networking should be reserved for sober moments only.
7. Karaoke. Nuff said I think.
8. Write ridiculous blog entries about alcohol. Hmm.
